Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Randomize
