rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm experimenting with sincerity
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
