It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
