You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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