my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
