hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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