I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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