My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
should my penis look like a turkey
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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