you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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