living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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