Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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