This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
