So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
