my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
