Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
