I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
