I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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