i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
