my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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