if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
