Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
