I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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