Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
