This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
