shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
