Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He felt like a one man threesome
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
