And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
