I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
