So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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