I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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