Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
