Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
