I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
