its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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