Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
