I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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