I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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