I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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