I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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