go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
