Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
