The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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