My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
