When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
