You just made me feel so damn special
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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