he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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