Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
