Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just made out with a guy for $7.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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