My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
