I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
