I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
