I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
