Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
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