No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
